I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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