i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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