I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
