you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I need to align my fucking chakras
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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