She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
