I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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