I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
