i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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