ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
