You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
