I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
