I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
