Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
