i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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