OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
