Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Why is there bacon in the couch?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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