Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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