you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize