How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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