thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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