I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
