I wish I only lived at night.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
