I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
