Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The air was thick with penises
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He has the fingertips of a God
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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