I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
