I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
