I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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