I'm gonna have a badass scar
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
