i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
