I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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