how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she woke up with a sticky ear
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
