Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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