I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
