and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
