Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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