all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
