The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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