Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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