Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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