I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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