Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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