you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
