my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm too high and old for this...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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