I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
