She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
