he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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