I wish I could teleport
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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