Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
