I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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