I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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