wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
