she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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