i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize