burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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