I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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