i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
