the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
