Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
