I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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