How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
